Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just gift wrapped bread.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
