I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
