haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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