HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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