You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
