she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
