I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
