matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize