Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
