just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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