Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I wish there were birth control emojis
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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