seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
