dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
