i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
