I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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