we're chasing vodka with high fives
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
