New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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