I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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