Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
