I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
