my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Randomize
