just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
