i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
