I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
