Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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