just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
