Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
