I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
