Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The dick lei will go down in squad history
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
