hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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