Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Two words: blizzard sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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