Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
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