fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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