it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
