Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize