they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
