Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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