I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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