got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I believe in your delicious
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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