im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
