Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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