Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
