Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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