"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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