Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
