North Korea, Best Korea!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
