I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize