sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
