I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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