dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
