I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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