Cold hands, warm shart.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
