Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize