I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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