I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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