I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
