she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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