Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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