First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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